What You Bring To The Table
A Thanksgiving Reflection on Showing Up with Full Hands and an Open Mind
Well, it’s that time of year again. Love it or hate it, Thanksgiving is around the corner, and gatherings of all shapes and sizes have begun to fill our calendars. As I feel the usual nerves about family dynamics make their way to the surface, I’ve decided to make myself a promise: this year, I’ll approach the situation with both a sense of humor and empathy. Today I’d like to share a few points to keep in mind while we all navigate this holiday’s social challenges, from the nuanced to the painfully straightforward.
Come as you are, and let others do the same. We’ve all been cornered by our relatives at some point and interrogated about what we are doing with our lives. What do we do for work? Does it really make enough money to be practical? Why are we still single? Suddenly everyone, including the cousins you see every three years and great aunt you just met, wants to know. Take a moment to remember that you are the only one experiencing your life, and your choices are your own. Even if you aren’t in the place you would like to be, stand tall. After all, none of these things effect your worth as a person. And at the end of the day, the people who really care wouldn’t pry judgmentally. On the flip side, it is also worth remembering that we can just as easily be guilty of this attitude. We should show up willing to extend the same respect and kindness we expect to the people we expect it from.
Your plate is your business, period. Thanksgiving, being a very meal-centered holiday, can often bring out insecurities around food. It still stings to think about times when I saw family members for the first time in years, and their first comment was about ways that my body had changed. If aunt so-and-so draws attention to you getting seconds, please take a deep breath and remember that it has nothing to do with your worth. Anyone’s comments on your body or food choices say more about their own insecurities than about you. You deserve to enjoy the holiday in a way that is healthy for you, and so does everyone else at the table.
Everyone has their own story, and that colors the way they interact with people. Have you ever heard it said that in the same family, each sibling has a different set of parents? I personally have found it to be true, in big ways and small, and I’m sure that I’m not alone. When adult siblings come back under one roof for the holidays, especially in their family home, old dynamics re-appear, and old wounds can re-open. Perhaps the best way to approach this situation is with compassion, keeping in mind that while your memories and perspectives may not match up, you can only meet people where they are. After the holiday, you will all return to our respective homes, lives, and stories. For the moment, focusing on what connects you and being present in shared time together is a choice that you will not regret.
Don’t forget to breathe. If you are worried about stepping away from a gathering to ground yourself for a moment, know that everyone is most likely too wrapped up in themselves to notice. And, even if they do, that breath will do you far more good than powering through moments of overwhelm in the interest of politeness.
Each of us is different, as are our lives, families, and holiday celebrations. This Thanksgiving, I invite you to bring to the table all the things you would hope to receive as well. Bring you empathy and compassion, both for yourself and those around you. Bring your willingness to laugh. Bring an openness to gratitude even amid complicated dynamics. After all, we should never show up empty-handed.