Own Your Story: Unleashing the Power to Transform Your Life.
“I want my life to change.”
Most of us have thought it at some point. Maybe we feel a little stuck, unhappy, exhausted, frustrated, and we hope that something—anything—in our world would shift and make things better.
Sometimes we go down the road of, “If only.”
If only my boss was not a narcissist…
If only my husband was more attentive…
If only we had more money…
If only my parents had been better parents…
If only there were more hours in a day…
We think perhaps a different job, a new relationship (or a new dynamic in an old relationship), a different body, a better environment or financial situation—whatever it is, we think there is some external reason for our difficulties, and therefore an external answer to the life transformation we crave.
I’ve been there. For a long time, I lived under the crushing weight of if only. And I felt stuck.
Here is the anti-fairytale powerful ending: things did change, but only if I changed.
What seems to be a hard truth to accept but is also the most powerful and accessible tool we have for change, is this:
If we want our lives to change, we only need to change ourselves.
I am not saying things may not be better if some of the external circumstances of our lives were better. Many of us are handed a rough playing field, a less-than-ideal circumstance. The landscape of our lives may have been harsh or lacking in some way. But the way forward to an alternative life is within our power, and it begins with something many of us seem built to want to avoid: taking accountability for our own lives.
Fundamentally, accountability means recognizing we are the authors of our own stories. We relate to our stories as if they are fact, but they are just…our stories.
Every decision we make is influenced by the narratives we create about ourselves, our lives, other people, and the world. These stories shape our beliefs (including limiting-beliefs), define our self-worth, and ultimately dictate our actions. When we acknowledge that we are the authors of our own stories, we empower ourselves to rewrite them. Perhaps not in childhood, but at some point in early adulthood, we need to shift from being the victim to the creator in our own current and future narratives. This act of self-ownership is the cornerstone of accountability and our gateway to transformation.
What does it look like?
With childhood struggles:
Victim Mindset: "I had a tough childhood where I didn’t get the love and support I needed. That’s why I struggle with self-worth."
Creator Mindset: "My childhood shaped me, but it does not define me. Because of my experiences, I now choose to give myself the love and support I didn’t receive."
In a relationship:
Victim Mindset: "My partner never listens to me or respects my needs."
Creator Mindset: "I have allowed this dynamic by not clearly communicating my needs or enforcing my boundaries. I can change how I show up and set a new standard for how I’m treated."
In our career:
Victim Mindset: "I keep getting passed over for promotions while less experienced people move ahead."
Creator Mindset: "I haven’t actively advocated for myself, sought mentorship, or taken initiative beyond my job description. I can start positioning myself for growth."
With our health and fitness
· Victim Mindset: "I’ve always had challenging genetics, so being healthy is impossible for me."
· Creator Mindset: "I may have genetic challenges, but I can still make choices that support my health and well-being every day."
Victim Mindset: "No matter what I do, I cannot seem to improve my fitness."
Creator Mindset: "I’ve been inconsistent, relied on quick fixes, or made excuses when things got hard. I can commit to sustainable habits and take ownership of my health."
While we may not have total control over circumstances, we always play a role in shaping them—and that means we always have the power to shift them. Commanding what is within our sphere of control, understanding our role as co-creator, is I believe, the only way to lasting change.
We always have the power to choose our reactions, to challenge our perceptions, and to make conscious decisions that align with our values and vision of the future we want. We are always free to choose who we want to be and how we want to show up. When we take responsibility for our choices, we unlock the potential for profound change.
And here is the kicker: when we change, everything our lives touch also changes.
You are your own answer.
But why is that idea…so difficult?
The Weight of Accountability
Taking responsibility for our lives means admitting that we are part of the equation. That can feel like an oppressive weight. It means acknowledging the ways we’ve been holding ourselves back, the choices we’ve made, and the situations, habits, and people, we’ve clung to—even when they no longer serve our wellbeing.
It’s far easier to blame circumstances, other people, or “bad luck” than to turn the mirror inward. Because when we do, shame can creep in. The sting of past mistakes can create barriers that hinder our ability to confront ourselves honestly. Borrowing from Brené Brown’s analogy of perfectionism being like a twenty-ton shield, accountability can feel like dragging around a twenty-ton shackle of shame.
Accountability isn’t, however, about self-blame. It’s about agency. It’s about realizing that no matter what has happened to us, no matter what challenges we face, our greatest power lies in our ability to respond, to choose, and to grow. But to get there we need self-compassion.
Accountability and Self-Compassion: Two Sides of the Same Coin
There’s often a misconception that being accountable means being hard on yourself. That if we don’t criticize ourselves harshly, we won’t change. But real accountability isn’t about self-punishment. It’s about self-awareness and ownership.
Self-compassion is the space that allows us to look at ourselves honestly—without shame. It creates the conditions for truthful self-examination and makes accountability bearable.
Self-compassion means approaching ourselves with curiosity and kindness rather than criticism. Without the harsh lens of self-judgment, without the twenty-ton shackle of shame, we are able to open ourselves up emotionally to growth and learning. We become more willing to face ourselves, take ownership of our stories, and ultimately, write new ones.
A Way Forward
Change happens over time and the journey is not a straight line, but more and more, when I catch myself thinking in terms of if only, I turn the lens back toward myself, get curious, and ask, what if: How might I be contributing to the situation and what if I shifted how I am thinking/feeling/doing? And invariably I find when I shift, the world around me shifts.
We are that powerful.